You walked in smiling brightly
and asked for a seat at my table.
I looked up from my lukewarm solitude
Unsurprised but not sure if I would be able
To grant you all of the access to my friendship and love
That you might someday require.
Friendships for me, though serious and true,
Usually tend to fizzle out, dry up and expire.
I have high standards you see, judgemental some say,
But friendship is love so my expectations are higher
Than some may deem necessary.
Something about your energy drew the words
“Please do.” from my throat almost involuntarily.
You sat and I watched as happiness sprouted up and grew
Along the legs of your chair, past the seat and back merrily
Blossoming here and there drawing bees and hummingbirds near.

You spoke and your words flowed from your mouth like a melody
The song seemed warmly familiar but the name I could not seem to place.
I became entranced listening to the ebb and flow of your energy.
Watching how you moved without moving, challenging others to keep pace.
I fell in love with your spirit, wit, humor, and charm, the sharpness of your tongue, the bubbles in your laugh, the depth of your thoughts.
Higher and higher my chin had to rise in order to continue my gaze.
Unknowingly, I had placed you upon a pedestal before the idea could be stopped.

Higher your pedestal grew with you unaware, blooms and melody in tow.
My expectations for your behavior, your actions, and your reactions completely unknown to you
Unattainable, unsustainable by any actual mortal being somehow seemed completely fair to me.
The thin air up there begins to choke. The desire to jump through my hoops
Was never part of your design.
As you are an actual mortal being, you could only climb so high.

The pedestal, confronted with the reality of your humanity could bear your weight no longer.
The thin cold air from so high above all of the things you loved caused
it to crumble piece by tiny piece.
Like the beanstalk chopped down to save the world from the giants above,
Your pedestal fell with a heavy thud and everything in my world paused.

Exhausted and resentful of the captivity I had forced upon you without your permission or knowledge, your smile faded from view.
You stood up and looked at me with a mixture of pain, anger, and questioning on your face.
I answered before you could ask. “I don’t know why.” my voice reaching out to you.
I watched you walk away slowly with sadness in each step, my heart dying a little with each tread.
I turned my face downward again towards the security of my lukewarm solitude.
Of all the friendships I have killed, yours most of all I regret.





An original poem by Tenaja Ansar Written 1/3/20

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